DEAR MISS MANNERS: The custom of taking hats off indoors seems to be disappearing. Even in church and classrooms, I am increasingly seeing hats (baseball caps, especially).

It would be rude for me to tell all these people to remove their hats, but as a parent, I can enforce this etiquette rule with my own children. And as a teacher, I can enforce it in my own classroom.

My problem is when I am asked, "Why? No one else asks me to take my hat off. Why is it important?" These young minds are not satisfied with the answer of "because it is the proper thing to do."

I've been telling them that when you wear your hat inside, it gives the impression that you are in a hurry to leave. That makes your host (or teacher) think you don't want to be in their company, and that would be rude.

Can you help me with an improved or more complete response? Or is it really not important after all, and I should just let these young people blend in with the hatted crowd?

GENTLE READER: While appreciating your efforts to teach courtesy to your pupils and your children, Miss Manners is grateful to have the opportunity to help you do so on a deeper level. Otherwise, you may get some difficult questions.

What if a Jewish student says that he (but not his sister) has to cover his head in his synagogue as a sign of respect? What if a Catholic student says her grandmother remembers when she (but not Grandpa) had to cover her head in church? What if students report examples where it would be improper, whether for cultural or religious reasons, not to wear turbans or scarves?

"Aha!" the brighter pupils will declare: "This shows that all these rules are arbitrary." And they would be right.

But -- here comes the deeper lesson -- that does not mean that a given society's customs may be ignored with impunity. Symbols are always arbitrary, but can nevertheless carry great emotional weight. A hat on -- or off -- could be extremely offensive, given the setting and circumstances.

Now we complicate things even more by introducing a time and gender element. The traditional American rule was that gentlemen must remove their hats indoors. But for ladies, wearing a hat indoors -- at a luncheon, for example -- was proper. (Girls may try to use this to claim they can wear their baseball caps in class, but no, this does not apply to unisex and/or athletic gear.)

Are any of these rules still in effect?

Morality-based rules remain valid no matter how many people disobey them, just as the prevalence of crime does not make it legal. But symbolism only works when the meaning is generally recognized.

Miss Manners hears from Gentle Readers who object to violations of those hat rules, so she believes the code is still being read. But it would be an interesting research project for your students to find out.

You will have to teach them that the question is not whether people approve of these rules, but whether they are even aware of them; that they should ask the question in a non-prejudicial way; and that they should ask people of different ages.

Miss Manners apologizes for making more homework for you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'd like to have a party for my daughter's fourth birthday. However, I'd like to avoid getting a bunch of plastic junk that she'll look at once and then throw in a corner and never play with.

I honestly don't think gifts are necessary, but I know many people feel obligated to bring one. So I have two ideas for how to address this:

1. I could request that anyone who'd like to provide a gift contribute $5 in advance of the party, and then I could get her one gift that I know she'd enjoy. (I'd love it if someone requested this for their kid's party, since it would mean I wouldn't have to go shopping. And it would cost significantly less than a junk toy!)

2. I could request that attendees provide a gift that's an artistic activity, like a coloring book or building set.

Are either of these ideas in poor taste? I'm really trying to avoid waste -- and wasteful spending -- but I also don't want to offend anyone.

GENTLE READER: Then accept graciously whatever people choose to give, and teach your daughter to do the same.

Miss Manners notices that this is an opportunity to teach another lesson: Have your daughter select the items she will not use (presuming that her taste actually aligns with yours), and explain the value of giving them to a charitable organization for children who may enjoy them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In my marriage, I buy all the cards and gifts for every occasion for our families and friends. I don't mind.

My son got married, and they split the responsibility: He does the cards for his family and she does them for hers. I was impressed when they began this system.

On my cards that I receive from him, he signs both names or just his. But my feelings are a little hurt that my daughter-in-law won't even acknowledge my birthday. I do acknowledge her on her birthday and at Christmas. I have only received one thank-you card when I gifted a large sum of money to them.

As for signing the cards, my husband will sign it if it's important to him. What is your take? Should everyone sign the card?

GENTLE READER: It is not insulting for one spouse to represent the couple by signing both their names to a card. Miss Manners suggests that before you complain, you ask your son if he writes separately to his mother-in-law.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I moved 1,500 miles last year, and have developed a wonderful circle of friends in my new town. We enjoy church activities, dining out and community activities like concerts.

One member has taken on the role of coordinator, and she finds great things to do, but it's too much for me! So far this week, she's scheduled three concerts -- with meals before and after each one -- and walking at 7 every morning. How do I gracefully decline some, but not all, of these activities?

GENTLE READER: One at a time, as you choose. Miss Manners supposes that when you are handed a menu at a restaurant, surely you do not feel obliged to eat everything that is listed.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My child's school is having a staff appreciation week, which isn't a bad idea for the efforts they put in and how they enhance our kids' lives.

What strikes me as extremely gauche, however, is that it's being organized and run by the school while asking parents to contribute as follows:

First day: Send kind words/thanks.

Second day: Send sugary treats.

Third day: Buy something from their wish lists.

Fourth day: Staff members get a special Mexican luncheon while parents cover classroom duties. (Keep in mind that students have been trying to get the quality of the school's food improved for months, while the staff claims there is no need. Students are sometimes not eating at all because of how bad they perceive the food to be.)

Fifth day: Send a teacher's favorite snacks and drinks to stock their fridge.

This seems like the kind of thing that parents should organize if they want to do it, not be pressured into it by the school. If the school administration wants to do it, they should fund it.

It comes across like, "Hey, aren't we great? Buy us stuff and tell us how great we are!" And then they send reminders EVERY DAY. Tacky.

Do teachers and school staff deserve nice things? Yep. But this is not the way to go about it, in my opinion.

GENTLE READER: Agreed. No doubt, the school administration would love to have the parents step up, instead, and make up for the school's obvious lack of funding. So if you do not like the school's approach, Miss Manners suggests the way around it is to volunteer to be the parent organizer instead.

Aren't you sorry you asked?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I called a member of a social group to follow up on a question. The matter was time-sensitive and needed to be resolved before the next morning, and it was the kind of thing that would be difficult to do in an email exchange.

The member and his wife are in their 80s, I believe. When I had called the night before, around the same time, the husband said they were eating dinner. I offered to call back, but he said no, and we spoke briefly.

It seems that the older people get, the earlier they go to bed and the less they like being "disturbed" by calls in the evening. Maybe they eat and then want to cozy up and watch a movie. So in general, I try to call earlier rather than later.

Even if I say, "Am I interrupting your dinner?" (which he didn't give me a chance to), it seems I would still be in the doghouse for not accurately guessing exactly when they eat. Any tips would be helpful.

GENTLE READER: Like ... asking? "I seem to keep guessing wrong about the best time to reach you. In case I have any follow-up questions, when is generally a good time to call?"

Miss Manners further points out that you are doing all of this "old person" speculation and proposed doghouse arresting purely on your own. All your elderly friend did was say that your call was perfectly all right.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)